Dating a colleague first date

My colleague Emma Wall has written today about how she believes first-date sex makes men think of women as slutty. Her flatmate, the pseudonymous but supposedly modern and well-mannered ‘Tom’ secretly believes that women who have sex on a first date are ‘a little bit slutty’ and he ‘wouldn’t make them [his] girlfriend’.

Far from indicating a sad truth about the relationship between men and women, this indicates only one thing: ‘Tom’ is an idiot.

An informal survey of Emma’s friends on Facebook led her to believe further that women who don’t impose an arbitrary period of abstinence on new partners are seen as easy, unchallenging, unrespectable and, in one particularly charming response, ‘shit’.

Here we can draw a wider conclusion but it’s still not about men and women. Those in favour of waiting who style themselves as romantics are little better.

One said: ‘Sex is always better with someone you like or have feelings for, so that more positive experience of the first time together can surely only help.

A woman needs to hold on to that power for as long as possible and use it as a tool to keep him interested until he starts to develop feelings for her.’ Sex is power, sex is a tool, sex is something a woman holds on to in order to control a relationship. When psychologists weigh in, unfortunately, they only compound the problem.

Dr Wendy Walsh, author of the ludicrous-sounding ‘30 Day Love Detox’ warns: ‘The more previous sexual partners a man has, the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in a woman after first intercourse. If the guy is a player, first-date sex more often leads to distain for a woman.’ If you can find a clearer case of mistaking an effect for a cause, I’d like to see it.

Perhaps, Dr Walsh, men who quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in their girlfriends are more likely to seek out new ones, and are therefore likely to have a greater number of partners. This idea that men assess women on their willingness to put out early in a relationship is a trope of romantic fiction and agony columns with little or no basis in reality. The Big Short, the film adaptation of Michael Lewis' book of the same name about the causes of the financial crisis, opens in UK cinemas this weekend.

These men have their own problems and can be ignored. I’ve been away from first dates for almost twenty years but I despair for single people, especially men, if attitudes have changed so much in favour of this ridiculous puritanical oppositional game. The majority of men, I’ve found, are rather pleased when they find a woman who wants to have sex. Once in Greenwich, a man who appeared significantly older than his advertised age of 42 greeted Taylor at the train station and then drove her to the largest house she had ever seen.He changed into his swimming trunks, she put on a skimpy bathing suit, and then, by the side of his pool, she rubbed sunscreen into the folds of his sagging back -- bracing herself to endure an afternoon of sex with someone she suspected was actually about 30 years her senior.Taylor doubted that her client could relate to someone who had grown up black and poor in the South Bronx.

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  1. PART 6: Growing in Intimacy » In matters of dating or courtship, I generally recommend that people either get married or break up within a year or so of beginning a dating relationship.